Материалы на английском        19 января 2017        3808         0

Три видео stand-up comedy (со скриптами!)

Hey guys,

Хочу предложить вам подборку коротких, смешных видео на американском английском.

Скорость речи в них стремительная, поэтому к каждому видео есть текст (скрипт). Я перевела некоторые фразы в тексте just in case :) просто на всякий случай, если не захочется отрываться от видео и лезть в словарь.

Сам язык видео, разумеется, супер-разговорный и casual. Hope you will enjoy it!


Первое видео — про проблемы с девушками при смс-общении.

Второе — про то, как делать женщинам правильные подарки (спойлер: подарки должны вызывать зависть окружающих).

Третье — про то, как думают мужчины и как думают женщины. (Спойлер: «The nothing box» есть в мозгу каждого мужчины!)


I was in a relationship for a few years and a thing in a time I was in a relationship all dating communication went exclusively to text (смс-иться, переписываться смс-ками). You can’t call anybody anymore. You call somebody like: “What? Are you on fire (у тебя пожар)? Then quit (бросай, хватит) wasting my time and text me that shit!”

And I don’t like texting people especially girls, there’s always miscommunication that happens.


This is a situation I’m getting to all the time. I text a girl, she texts me back right away (сразу же). I text her back rightaway, she texts me back right away; I text her back right away, she texts me back right away; I text her back right away, she texts me back right away. Then I’ll say smth like… “Alright, cool, so you wanna get pizza on Tuesday?” And I don’t hear anything! And I’m like, what’s just happened? I know you’ve read that shit! You responded to 20 other things I just said, you don’t like me anymore? You don’t have 2 seconds to say “yes, I wanna get pizza” or “no, I don’t wanna get pizza”, what, did you check your phone into a locker (оставила телефон в шкафчике) and go ride rollercoasters (ушла кататься на американских горках) for a few hours? What’s the deal (что за дела? В чем дело)?!


And after a few hours and no response I get real upset (я очень расстраиваюсь). And I just wanna send a text and say smth like “Well guess you just got not invited on a pizza party. You did, ‘cause I hate you now”. Girl always writes smth back “Sorry, I was at my niece’s ballet and we got to turn off our phones”.

Whatever, we are DONE (без разницы, все кончено)! I finished that pizza hours ago. I went with my friend Brian, he is nice to me.


A woman’s greatest pleasure is another woman’s jealousy. And that’s why you take so long to get ready (занимает столько времени собраться), ladies. You just take along – not that you are slow – you’re just essentially putting on your suit of armor (качественно «вооружаетесь», готовитесь быть во всеоружии). And the biggest part of your arsenal is your purse (здесь не кошелек, а женская сумочка). Yes, you have a 700-dollar purse with three dollars in there. You can tell everything about a woman’s personality just by her purse: look at her purse right now, guys. I’ll give you one example. The bigger the purse, the higher maintenance is (чем больше сумочка, тем больше «обслуживания» она предоставляет).


See that? There are some big-ass purses in this room tonight. Big purses with extra outfits (с запасной одеждой) and the shoes and jeans, tents (с палатками), camping tents, baby wipes (подгузники/влажные салфетки для детей), lots of baby wipes.


That’s why I don’t get gifts for my girlfriend; I give her gifts that will bring on (вызовут) other women’s jealousy. And it’s worth it (это того стоит), it’s better than getting her diamonds, guys. One thing you do – alright, if you’re gonna get her flowers randomly,  don’t send them to where she lives; send them to her work. Oh-ho-ho!


And one purchase – you created jealousy ALL AROUND her! It’s like her birthday but it’s not her birthday.  Alright… she gets to walk around with her tiara on her head. “What’s up, passing bitches? My man got me this tiara, it’s so cool, it’s got gadgets, it’s battery-operated, look what I can do: look, look… watch, watch! … Did you see that? Bye-bye”.


We will start discussing men’s brains – women’s brains and how they are very different from each other.

Now, I wanna start with men’s brains. Alright, now… men’s brains are very unique. Men’s brains are made up of little boxes. And we have a box for everything. We got a box for car, we got a box for money, we got a box for the job, we got a box for you, we got a box for the kids, we got a box for your mother somewhere in the basement. We got… we got boxes everywhere! And the rule is – the boxes don’t touch (=не соприкасаются друг с другом).


When a man discusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box, we pull that box out, we open that box, we discuss only what is in that box! Alright? And then we close the box and put it away being very, very careful – not to touch any other boxes.


Now, women’s brains are very, very different from men’s brains. Women’s brains are made up of a big ball of wire (большой клубок проводов). And everything is connected to everything. Zzzz… Money is connected to the car, the car is connected to your job, and the kids are connected to your mother and everything is connected to everything, it’s like zzzzzzz… It’s like the internet super highway. Okay? And it’s all driven by energy that we call emotion. This zzzzzz is one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything.


Because if you take an event, and you connect it to an emotion, it burns (=записывается; как записать на CD-диск) in your memory and you can remember it forever.  The same thing happens for a man; it just doesn’t happen very often because quite frankly, we don’t care. Women tend to care about EVERY TIME. And she just loves it. Zzzzz… Haha!


Okay. Now men, we have a box in our brain that most women are not aware of. This particular box has nothing in it. True, true. In fact we call it “the nothing box”. And of all the boxes a man has in his brain “the nothing box” is our favorite box. If a man has a chance to go to his “nothing box” every day, that’s why a man can do something seemingly completely brain dead for hours on it: you know, like fishing. And they actually measured this. The University of Pennsylvania a couple of years ago. They did a study and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and still breathe.


Here, they connected all the wires and stuff like that, watched the brain activity and then said: … (непонятно, вроде «a brain is dead!»)


Women can’t do it! They can’t do it, their mind never stops. And they don’t understand “the nothing box”! And that drives them crazy! Because nothing drives a woman more crazy or makes them feel more irritated than to witness (лицезреть, наблюдать) a man doing… NOTHING!

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